Keep moving - leaving Gottingen

Having a least 5 hours of training per day, listening to german without understanding a word, sleeping in a sleeping bag at the Butoh Centre, begging for the germans in the workshop not to open the doors and windows too much for the (freezing) 'fresh air', writing on my blog, long hours talking and getting to know amazing people: german, turkish, french, czech, japanese, finnish etc - all that was the context of last week. I realized that Butoh despite its aesthetic principals, promotes a reunion of people who don't speak the same language, people who believe too much but are sick of religiousness, people who are generous, who share food and time, people who don't care if one day will perform in front of hundreds or not, people who respect the others' bodies, people who are eager to learn but also to share what they learnt; I could just qualify these people for hours. I dedicate this post to you, everyone who participated in the workshop. I see Butoh in everyone, in your quotidian daily lives, thank you!

Today I left Gottingen. 5 years ago I was introduced to Butoh by Tadashi Endo when he performed 'MA' in Fortaleza, and now I'm having this opportunity to let my body be introduced to it, reflect on it and produce knowledge for my performances, academic works and in every single attitude. I came to Butoh with a little sadness, and contrary to what people find in religions and medicines I haven't got better... But I learned to dance it, to dance my sorrows - it is not to heal, I don't want it to heal, it's to dance - as simple as it is. 'Dance, when you're feeling sad.' (Endo) Thank you too, Tadashi.

Thank you Hijikata, thank you Ohno.

Drag me

There was a moment in one of the workshop sessions that we were told to dance freely, after a hard intensive warming-up. Commands of a sleepy body were told and as well as dancing ‘not disturbing the fog’. I was very introspective and of course due to the latest happenings, very sensitive. It was when in the middle of my dance Tadashi asked us to let our dead to drag us. For me it was firstly difficult to imagine ‘my dead’ lead my movement since I don’t believe they can do a thing to me... I emptied my mind and started moving, sleeping body and dancing in the fog, enjoying each moment, each centimeter seemed one hundred meters. Then I accepted the fact that my mother (recently passed away) could drag me somehow, she was the first one I pictured. Part of me is part of her; it’s in my skin, organs, cells, DNA. It was absolutely out of control not to renounce my own command and let her lead me. It was a special time, a time for images, memories and remembrances – all led me to my dance. All body committed to the moment, muscles and bones thinking and building up knowledge. It wasn’t important to know where my mother would bring me; I wasn’t even afraid or happy to where I could possibly end up. Feet all connected to the ground being dragged, it was difficult to walk, it was the end but also the beginning – how a baby starts to place his right leg after his left one, having his all body working together, even face, for one project: walking.
Dancing with memories is being something really emotional to me. Last picture that I have of my mother was before she had been cremated, and I dared to touch her head, and it was cold. My dance was as cold as her head, but dancing that wasn’t a weird thing, maybe it is now when I’m writing but it wasn’t in that moment. Inside its coldness was the warm and chaos of my blood and fluids. Drag me, n’importe pas where you lead me, I want to go, I want to move (even still). Dancing the darkness and my dead ended up being pleasant – darkness is there, and we can touch it. Life needs death and death needs life. I remember one sentence Tadashi said: ‘you can’t change life but you can change the direction of your life’.
These themes: death, dancing our darkness and with our dead, deserve a less superficial approach than this one I’m doing. It’s a pity I have few minutes a day for internet access during this week, but I hope these ghosts will remain in my mind for the next days and weeks, so I can explore them in a better way here.

Sleeping body

We were improvising with random music, the only command was to try shaking your body as much as you can but very minimum. In the middle of the exercise Tadashi asked us to do it with foggy hands and foggy face. No one did what he meant. Afterwards he explained himself as he described how a ‘sleeping body’ is like: sleeping body is the body of the true masters, they don’t need to have a defined body and present themselves very ‘awake for the moment’ – they save energy for the right time. They never start things at 100%, skin, eyes, members are dancing but in a way they aren’t even disturbing a fog; inside there’s a carnival and a war. He joked that the students are those who appear fit and ready to dance… Butoh is open for the unexpected: everything can happen from a sleeping body, if your body is apparently ready, then there’s no surprise. Now, strong pain on my neck.

Throwing a stone in a lake

This is the picture I now have of when a performer enters a stage. The actor/dancer doesn't need to appeal to provoke a change in the audience. And with no transformation of the stage or the audience there's no meaning for the presence of the performance. It's waste of time for both sides. If the performer is the rain, wind or fire, it doesn't matter how gorgeous his movements are, if there's no transformation of the environment, there's no value. Butoh is therefore constituted of a dance which everyone can dance - the difficulty of the movement and the sophistication of the choreography aren't important. Although there's charisma involved - this is more difficult to understand if you are born with it or you can grow it somehow, I haven't made my mind yet about that. Kazuo Ohno, definitely, has charisma. On today’s class, Tadashi was telling us a story about the celebration of Ohno's 100 years old: In Tokyo, many Butoh dancers were gathered together (also with other stiles' dancers, friends of his) in 1997. Each one of the performers did a small performance for him; it was a very emotional reunion. At the last part of the show Kazuo was brought to the stage on his wheel chair by his son where all performers were, a collective performance started happening, and he... slept ;-) Kazuo Ohno slept on stage during the performance. Suddenly, after a moment, before he wakes up he moved his fingers, one technician put a song - all audience was perplex by the sublime performance Ohno was doing. I can picture in my head how beautiful only a small movement, on the right time, with the right music could be. And everyone was affected. Remember about the stone and the lake? Kazuo Ohno was a stone, he almost didn't change himself, but around him were reverberating waves among the other performers and the public. After today’s exercises I have pain…

First impressions.

I arrived by mistake at Tadashi Endo’s home, I woke him up ringing the bell, he came to me with a sleepy face, asked me to wait in the living room where two cats and a poster of La Argentina of Kazuo Ohno were, and called a taxi for me to go to the right place – The Butoh Centre. After waiting in the living room he started talking about his last visit to Brazil and plans to go back there to perform and be involved in a film. Last year his film was nominated at the Berlin Festival, he lamented his filme (cherry blossoms) didn’t win anything, who won the big prize was the violent Brazilianfilm ‘Tropa de Elite’. First impressions now at the Butoh Centre, I guess I woke up the other participants too, they are from all over. I am jet lagged and tired, ready for my first day of workshop.

I come from many places.

Have you ever felt the heaviness of the existence? I feel some right now, I’m sure I don’t feel the whole spectrum of it but last weeks have made me think a lot, about death, life, purposes, love etc. One day a priest invited me to leave the church, he said that my sin was too big and that I turn myself in many selves and people will always be uncomfortable with me because they will have difficulties to identify my purposes in life, also that my thoughts are fragmented. I have started and restarted this blog several times, in Fortaleza, Beijing and Amsterdam. Last times I deleted all the posts. Yes, it is difficult to finish something you began, especially for those who enjoy the process so much that don’t want it end or are afraid they end. Perception of myself, the others and the things are the most important issue in my writing here. The other important issue is me making connection to my selves in my own existence, so I am using this blog to dedicate it to Butoh. Throughout the year I will be sharing perceptions, thoughts, information, events, teachings, facts of Butoh. I started this year ill, beside my beautiful S. but still ill – got bacteria that ended up being a virus, which brought me fever, pain, a swollen throat and a mouth full of canker sores. When I started healing my mother died. I come from many places, it has been interesting to deposit a little part of my pain in every single place I have been to since last month. Amsterdam-Frankfurt-Vancouver-Frankfurt-Paris-Fortaleza-Paris-Gottingen, by now, next week Gottingen-Berlin-Helsinki. I am now in Gottingen taking part of my first day of a Butoh workshop facilitated by Tadashi Endo. My personal journey into Butoh is about to start, in a few hours. I am waiting at the train station in a café, waiting that the day begins so I won’t arrive there so early. Edith Piaf is singing, she’s following me everywhere. 45 more minutes and I will leave, I promise.